Mate selection is a tough problem. The best laid plans can still result in disastrous choices. I observe chatter amongst “soon to be married” Hindu-s with a neo-traditional bent (reminding me of myself at that stage). As a fairly experienced (but still young <10 married yrs) gRhastha on a successful (though hard-won) trajectory, let me shed light some light on mistakes I’ve personally made or seen.
- Don’t believe in and actively reject “love”. Say it a few dozen times.
- No – I did not make this mistake. But I wildly underestimated the hormonal surges that bonds one to a “logically and carefully” chosen mate shortly after the first meeting.
- Measure the intellectual distance accurately (don’t be fooled).
- Yes – I was fooled. If she is into idiot bAba XYZ while you’re into vyAsa and vasiShTha – you (and she with her abysmal shAstra-knowledge) might well be fooled. No – you are not that alike and if you’re serious about being an effective gRhastha (in the traditional sense), you’re in for a big series of quarrels and hardship.
- Don’t sweat about “scientific” savvy.
- “Scientific” savvy often comes at the cost of educated idiot type rejection of shAstra-s, sages and rituals.
- Any damage done due to “unscientific” input is minute compared to the possible damage of “intellectual yet idiot” input.
- A good way to measure this (for a brAhmaNa) would be in the following terms.
- The trivarga in the puruShArtha – Especially, how different are the views on gRhastha-dharma.
- Does the couple seek tapas (the true wealth of brAhmaNa-s) or sukha (appropriate for shUdra-s)?
- Measure the personality distance well. A lot of women tend to be fickle minded and neurotic! And this is not easy to detect at all! Even if the women you closely associated with (mother, sister etc..) are not that way.
- Yes, I failed to understand this.
- Now, people of different personality types can get along fine (given very strong intellectual agreement, and special compensatory effort). But, this can come and bite you if you are way more “hardline” than the woman; and if you mistakenly expect to turn her round by way of ready arguments.
- Practical solution – both potential partners take the 5 factor personality test (example here).
- Please don’t underestimate the cost and effort of “red-pill“ing a “normie” partner.
- Guilty here. I was so arrogant that I thought that it is generally suboptimal from the social point of view for two strong dhArmika minded people to come together in marriage (- that would make one good family; but if they were to choose and “convert” decadent mates – you’d get TWO good families).
- Now, this can succeed, but it requires HUGE determination (a long drawn battle of proverbially trying to straighten the dog’s tail, fighting back decadent family supporters), MUCH pain. It will be like walking on a razor’s edge with a long standing risk of failure. You will curse yourself – guaranteed.
- Further, there might be a biological cost (in reduced offspring count). Considering this, your naive calculation might well be off.
- Don’t fixate on IQ (or proxies thereof like high scores in standardized tests or advanced academic degrees and tastes).
- Remember that your ancestors, marrying into the same gene-pool without regard to such metrics, were able to produce a great line of luminaries. Further, remember that high IQ can and does manifest non-academically – example in the pursuit of art-related shAstra-s, ability to memorize long stotra-s etc..
- Women enmeshed in “careers”, despite having high IQ, may be idiots (like viShNusharman’s mUrkha-paNDita-s or NN Taleb’s “Intellectual Yet Idiot”s) and low quality mates (from a biological perspective). And this applies to IYI offspring as well. Hence, your fixation may result in quantitative (and if you are unsuccessful in your battles – qualitative) decline in your (and your clan’s) offspring.
- Don’t be afraid to call it off. (You might learn about the shit you’re getting into after the initial agreement but before the actual marriage.)
- You may feel honor bound, family-pressured etc.. But damn it, it is the age of kali – when things turn sour, decadent women (and the associated manthara-s and kaikayi-s) will threaten divorce or suicide type shit which would have shocked your forefathers. How much worse is that? Remember – women can be quite fickle. (Recall also that Apastamba clearly even recommends a second wife if the first is incapable of playing her dhArmika role as a patnI. “धर्मप्रजासंपन्ने दारे नान्यां कुर्वीत १२ अन्यतराभावे कार्या प्राग् अग्न्याधेयात् १३ ” इत्यापस्तम्बधर्मसूत्रेषु। आधुनिके युगे भीमरावस्मृतिबलेन विच्छेदो ऽनिवार्यस् तस्मिन् सन्दर्भे। But then, you will have much more to loose, and your choices will be second rate.)
- Be wary of inter-caste marriage.
- No – not my mistake. But I’ve seen it yield much pain elsewhere at close quarters.
- Many “highly educated” shUdra-s (in marked contrast to their parents) are filled with bile and hatred for brAhmaNa-s, even if concealed well at the time of betrothal.
- Attend to the woman’s kAma (especially if you got a fickle, neurotic one.).
- I mean – especially just complementing her, “spending time” with her etc..
- Remember that you might be competing for your wife’s loyalty and support with dhArmika enemies (her normie friend circle, parents etc..). You cannot win her over with intellectual arguments alone – the battle of feelings should be won. This is where this effort pays off.
- Be wary of your laukika in-laws – especially if they are proud of their “education”. They would be ideally placed to poison your (weak-minded) wife’s mind against your values and “tyranny”. Ask yourself: Do you want to live under their supervision, mediation and interference? Would you cede your right to scold your wife when she’s negligent in her dharma? Listen to your gut – be not too magnanimous about letting insults and such signals pass neglected. Spare a lot of drama, keep a good distance. Better hire domestic helpers and nannies than take their help. (This applies especially if you’re abroad.)
Related discussions and articles