Digesting Santa Claus

Santa Claus is a merry character. He grips the minds of children, and the hearts of all sahRdaya-s with his cheer and compassion. Whatever his pagan origins might have been (ibtimes), we pagans have a problem: He is intimately connected with the zombie cult. Indeed the zombie bastard child is said to have burdened the earth on the santa claus day.

Luckily, we hindu-s have had long experience with borrowing and hijacking of our deities as part of the competition amongst our orthodox and heterodox traditions. All one needs is “expand” a few legends. So, lets “understand” santa claus in our terms.

Santa Claus is Kubera, the vaishravaNa.

It makes great sense, as you’ll see:

  • Santa Claus is rich. kubera is rich.
  • Santa Claus is fat. kubera is fat.
  • Santa Claus lives in the wintery north, not too far from Alaska. kubera lives in the wintery north, right in alakA.
  • Santa Claus is assisted by elves. kubera is assisted by yakShas. (He is afterall lord of yakSha-s, Guhyakas, Kinnaras and Gandharvas.)
  • Santa Claus is close buddy of the supreme deity. kubera is a close buddy of indra and shiva.
  • Santa Claus has a flying sled. kubera has the puShpaka vimAna.

Now for the “expansion”. The mlecCha-s, when they were infected by the zombie’s disease, somehow managed to hold on to a few pagan deities, who of course, became angels and saints in their mouse-like perspective. They remembered only small aspects of the old deities. kubera, it turns out, was remembered as Santa Claus. Adored during the earlier festival of yakSha-rAtri (aka dIpAvalI), and having prepared for it all year with the assistance of the yakSha-s, he tours the worlds every year to gift good hearted people -especially children and the needy. On this occasion, he swaps his equine mount for a flying chariot drawn by reindeer.

His mantra-s are: ॐ वैष्रवणाय स्वाहा! All kids who chant it with great attention and vivid visualization will get superb gifts! All adults who become agents of kubera in distributing wealth to young hearts will earn great puNya. Furthermore, the infected mind who attains true siddhi of vaishravaNa may even escape the zombie’s curse.

So, happy kuberotsava to hindu-s and happy santa claus day to the mlecCha-s!

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